Got A Little Tin Cup With My Heart In It

this year is a new beginning.
a decade of whatever got me here, is behind us now.
im sad that some of the best times i'll ever have can never be recreated.
and im sorry that some things had to end like they did.

today im thanking god for this new page in my book.
forget the pages.. im burning the old book and starting a new one.
the ink on every page won't bleed with tear stains this time.
and im writing it in neon bright crayons.

thank you god, for reminding me that im better.
every shooting star i see now, i wish for something better.
and i almost forgot how powerful the feeling of wanting can be.
when you send all your energy and your soul into wanting something..
it can take you over, and be stopped by nothing.
i almost forgot this power, because i always used it to wish him back to me..
but what if i want something bigger. something better. something more.

thank you for letting us be good like this,
for shining a little light on my heart for a while,
and for helping me find the strength to open up and let the rays illuminate inside.
good things are happening now.
i think they've been there all along, i just needed to let them happen.

so thank you, god, for today.

Dear God, Uhh.. Hey.

im the one who helps them all, and all i need is to know its not for nothing.
all this work, i can't bear for it to fall flat.
im ready for happiness, real happiness.
so bring it on.

im sorry i use this body as a punching bag, but my head and my heart are battered enough that numbing everything else is a relief i couldn't be okay without.
im sorry im so careless, but i need to be free. its temporary satisfaction, but thats what im all about.
im sorry im so bad.
i spend every minute chasing those moments of happiness i miss the big picture.
everyone knows

"you can't miss the bear."

i spent years learning that in the end it's all going to be alright.
life goes on, and someday it will end.
you can spend your time being happy, being helpful, being loved, or living for other people doing what's told or expected of you.
help me remember my own lessons.
help them all be okay with or without me.
give me the strength to pull it together and sleep sound tonight.