I'm Not Suicidal, I Just Can't Get Out Of Bed

i didn't go home with him.
he asked me to come see him play so i did.
but i couldn't do it.
it was way too weak of me to forget all of this just for a night.

even though i said no, you thanked me for brining him..
your best friend.
i think i was always part of the reason you grew apart.
and i know im the reason you never grew back.

so i fucked him instead.

i know the reason now why it never works..
its because i never let it.
we're too much the same person.
we never let it...
i can't bring myself to let you see me weak like you need to.
and you never let me see you care.
im just as bad as you are. because i need you to think i don't care.
i know you do the same thing but it hurts me so much more.

facing him again is going to be hard.
he'll see it flashing over my head in neon signs.
but you can see the fine print.
it says i love you if you look close.
because in the dark he looks like you.
and you'll never know how sorry i am.
and hopefully never find out why.

Dear God, Uhh.. Hey.

im the one who helps them all, and all i need is to know its not for nothing.
all this work, i can't bear for it to fall flat.
im ready for happiness, real happiness.
so bring it on.

im sorry i use this body as a punching bag, but my head and my heart are battered enough that numbing everything else is a relief i couldn't be okay without.
im sorry im so careless, but i need to be free. its temporary satisfaction, but thats what im all about.
im sorry im so bad.
i spend every minute chasing those moments of happiness i miss the big picture.
everyone knows

"you can't miss the bear."

i spent years learning that in the end it's all going to be alright.
life goes on, and someday it will end.
you can spend your time being happy, being helpful, being loved, or living for other people doing what's told or expected of you.
help me remember my own lessons.
help them all be okay with or without me.
give me the strength to pull it together and sleep sound tonight.

You Don`t Have To Call Anymore.

im sorry's don't take anything back,
and i know im not the one who should be sorry for anything.
but i am.

im sorry i let you do this to me again
and you turned out to be the bad guy that i know you're not.

im sorry i took a part of you with me the first time.
maybe you really could have been happy with her if i didn't ruin it.

im sorry i can't let you push me out of your life for the last time.
i never could before, and it's not going to be different now.

im sorry i let you get away with this; every single time.
i was supposed to teach you that it's not okay to treat people that way.

im sorry you had to hurt your best friend so you didn't have to see me anymore.
if we let the two of them get back together, we're going to have to face eachother everyday.

im sorry i learned to ride your predictable spontenaity.
i saw it comming from the moment you thought i wouldn't.

im sorry we are prefect together, and you can't accept it.
how could you ever be happier with anyone else.

im sorry i can't be your modulation anymore.
its breaking me.