Got A Little Tin Cup With My Heart In It

this year is a new beginning.
a decade of whatever got me here, is behind us now.
im sad that some of the best times i'll ever have can never be recreated.
and im sorry that some things had to end like they did.

today im thanking god for this new page in my book.
forget the pages.. im burning the old book and starting a new one.
the ink on every page won't bleed with tear stains this time.
and im writing it in neon bright crayons.

thank you god, for reminding me that im better.
every shooting star i see now, i wish for something better.
and i almost forgot how powerful the feeling of wanting can be.
when you send all your energy and your soul into wanting something..
it can take you over, and be stopped by nothing.
i almost forgot this power, because i always used it to wish him back to me..
but what if i want something bigger. something better. something more.

thank you for letting us be good like this,
for shining a little light on my heart for a while,
and for helping me find the strength to open up and let the rays illuminate inside.
good things are happening now.
i think they've been there all along, i just needed to let them happen.

so thank you, god, for today.

Here's To Everything Coming Down To Nothing, Here's To Silence That Cuts Me To The Core

the void of him not being there is growing in size and conspicuousness.
i never thought anything was the same without him around, but last night was the epitome of his absence.
we were all just a bit too quiet.
what almost made it worse, is that i think we all knew what was missing.
i think we all felt it last night.

to know he thought about me yesterday..
probably all day long.
it makes me feel hollow.
i missed him all day too.

i've thought long and hard about moving on,
he so obviously has; again.
i just don't know where to go, or how to get there.
and the distance of the road ahead is hilghly discouraging.

Every Song Has A You, A You The Singer Sings To; You're Mine

we stood in the rain today under an umbrella.
he said it was the cutest thing ever.
and i thought so too.

we laughed at how hard it was raining
and how close we were standing,
and how weird i was apparently holding the umbrella.
is there really a wrong way to hold umbrellas?

i'll never be able to sleep tonight.
and i have this vast urge to watch twilight.

i wonder if everyone has a relationship like that at least once in their life.
one of those bella and edward, ross and rachel, merideth and mcdreamy, love to let it ruin your life kind of loves.

i write these things filled with things i'd never tell him.
like the blitherings of an idiot, in this fucked up relationship with no one.
praying he never knows exactly how i feel.
because i know, and we all know.
it doesn't need to be said.
even though if it were, there would be resolutions.
why can't i just resolve this.
it kills me i can't fix this one thing, just for me.

it's still pouring outside.
and i've decided to strap into the rollercoaster for a few more rides.
we're troopers man, im not tappin out yet.
i won't until i can let my hands go and open my eyes.













something in you're eyes says we can beat this.

Im Just A Notch In Your Bedpost, You're Just A Line In A Song

he can't keep doing this to me, and i can't keep letting him.
i don't wanna hear myself in every song on the radio..
every song about second chances and should have known better..

you know you're life's a cliche when taylor swift can describe your daily life better than you.
today, i stare at the phone.
he still hasn't called.
and now im feeling so low, i can't feel anything at all.

he said he'd talk to me this morning.
i need that.
but why have i still not learned that he dosn't always pull through?
he hardly ever does.

it's because when he does it's so miraculous that im blown away.
when he says he's sorry with his whole heart and soul, its like it makes up for it all.

anyway, point being.. here we go again.

There's No Glitter In The Gutter. No Twilight Galaxy.

what do you do when the looks turn into something more?
then the words, and they become what pulls me in.
what hypnotizes me.

its gotten to the point where i find im always looking for him.
or maybe something more, disguised as him.
i don't think i'll know until i find it, and i don't think i'll stop til then either.

im just a crazy, obsessive girl who falls in love with moments of someone and can't let go.

I Carry Your Heart

here is the deepest secret nobody knows. here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide. and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart... i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart

we had a lot going for us. we'd found the secret glue that held all things together. in a perfect place, where the noise did not intrude, our world was so very complete.

Just Breathe

remember those roman catholics with steaks in their feet at the bottom of the river?
they had to pull those steaks out of their feet and swim up to the top for air.
so pull the steaks out.
pull them out, and breathe.
pull them out and get on with your life.

..but is he the steaks, or is he the air?
is it the swimming or the breathing i should be focused on?
what if i'd rather die at the bottom of that river than live without him..

Yesterday, Was The First Day Of The End Of The World

want 
–verb (used with object)
1.to feel a need or a desire for; wish for: to want one's dinner; always wanting something new.

i've discovered that there is something so powerful about wanting. wanting something so bad you'll stop at nothing. so bad that you don't care about anything else, and you'll wait for as long as it takes.. but you know that if you want hard enough, and wait long enough.. you can accomplish anything.

sadly, this power i have discovered has not been used to cure some incurable disease, or obtain wealth, knowledge, success.. i have wasted it on four years of chasing down love. or, at least something like it.

a year of pretending we didn't know eachother, all the while waiting.. because i knew. i always know. and im always, always right. this was no exception.

i was his love, then his no one, his everything, his secret, the reason she left, his enemy, his hardest decision, the one constant in his life, his. until yesterday.

what do you say when the one person who shattered your heart more times than it ever beat, tells you they want just one last chance? just when you thought you ran out, just when you thought maybe you were wrong all along. well, im a sucker for love. one more chance. this is the last one. promise me you're sure this time, and promise me forever. he did.

every one of those twenty-nine days was the best day of my life.
and he said forever this time, so i was going to finally do it.. finally let myself believe every word and fall.. into the bigest catastrophy of my existance, apparently.

we became "us" and our new life became routine and i wasn't afraid this time.
i should have been. because now i sit in this empty building all night long listening to nothing; because every song reminds me of him. talking to no one; because i can't bare to tell everyone i was wrong. actually crying to reruns of greys anatomy.

last night you had to see me.
the five-way best friend circle we created had to be together for this.
to make sure we could be the same without the strongest bond between us.
i could hardly look at him. i knew if he smiled it would break me again.
he told them he had to see me. he wanted to talk more, he wanted to explain. it wasn't my fault, and soon we could go back. it's in my best intrest now, and i'll understand.

i know he never showed to the jam session last night.
and i know there's a price on your head.
how is this for the best? hmm?
how is this blatant void in both of our daily lives better?
its not.
for me anyway.