Yesterday, Was The First Day Of The End Of The World

want 
–verb (used with object)
1.to feel a need or a desire for; wish for: to want one's dinner; always wanting something new.

i've discovered that there is something so powerful about wanting. wanting something so bad you'll stop at nothing. so bad that you don't care about anything else, and you'll wait for as long as it takes.. but you know that if you want hard enough, and wait long enough.. you can accomplish anything.

sadly, this power i have discovered has not been used to cure some incurable disease, or obtain wealth, knowledge, success.. i have wasted it on four years of chasing down love. or, at least something like it.

a year of pretending we didn't know eachother, all the while waiting.. because i knew. i always know. and im always, always right. this was no exception.

i was his love, then his no one, his everything, his secret, the reason she left, his enemy, his hardest decision, the one constant in his life, his. until yesterday.

what do you say when the one person who shattered your heart more times than it ever beat, tells you they want just one last chance? just when you thought you ran out, just when you thought maybe you were wrong all along. well, im a sucker for love. one more chance. this is the last one. promise me you're sure this time, and promise me forever. he did.

every one of those twenty-nine days was the best day of my life.
and he said forever this time, so i was going to finally do it.. finally let myself believe every word and fall.. into the bigest catastrophy of my existance, apparently.

we became "us" and our new life became routine and i wasn't afraid this time.
i should have been. because now i sit in this empty building all night long listening to nothing; because every song reminds me of him. talking to no one; because i can't bare to tell everyone i was wrong. actually crying to reruns of greys anatomy.

last night you had to see me.
the five-way best friend circle we created had to be together for this.
to make sure we could be the same without the strongest bond between us.
i could hardly look at him. i knew if he smiled it would break me again.
he told them he had to see me. he wanted to talk more, he wanted to explain. it wasn't my fault, and soon we could go back. it's in my best intrest now, and i'll understand.

i know he never showed to the jam session last night.
and i know there's a price on your head.
how is this for the best? hmm?
how is this blatant void in both of our daily lives better?
its not.
for me anyway.