but a little bit better at the same time.
i can barely stand to see how in love you're becoming with this girl so fast.
what was so wrong with me that it's been five years and you won't let me have that..?
and yet continue to act like it's still an option.
it's not an option anymore.
im not an option anymore.
i really can't do it again;
love you like i do and then hand you to the next contestant in line.
if you wanted to be with me you had every chance in the world.
im just hoping that when the time comes again, im strong enough to tell you.
the first step is knowing that somewhere along the line, it needs to stop.
the shit needs to stop.
so, i'm gunna throw in the towel.
you don't seem to need me now, so you can manage im sure.
i'll be fine as long as the distance lasts enough for me to take the next step.
i don't deserve for my heart to cringe like that every day.
every mention of him or her or us or then..
someday i'll be happy for him.
thats my new goal.
i wonder if its harder
to know that i can never be happy for him,
and a part of me always wishes things happened differently..
or to push past it all and be there for him someday, as a friend no matter what.
the biggest problem i have with letting go..
i think, is that im afraid to know that love can die.
i don't want to be a person who fell out of love.
who changed her mind right when things could have changed.
changed their mind and make a horrible mistake.
forgetting him scares me too.
he's been a part of me for so long that i can't lose it.
what if i let myself forget the concentration in his face and the smile in his eyes when he picks up that guitar.
what if my heart keeps beating when he loves me back.
i have some thinking left to do.
and some waiting.
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