X's On The Back Of Your Hand, Wash Them In The Bathroom To Drink Like The Bands

today's lesson; never trust a crack head.
is this what i get for trying to move on?
proof that i'll never be happy with anyone else.

i just wanted attention.
and to forget about him just for a while.
but what do i get?

so last night i finally agreed to have a date with a friend's brother who's been interested in me for a while now.
first of all, i don't think stag parties are a good place for a first date.
but regardless the night went okay and he said he could find us an ounce, no problem.
so off we went in the car to meet his friend.
"you wanna meet up for a buck sixty?"
wait.. why won't you give me my phone back now, aren't you done with it?

"alright girls, you're sure there's a hundred and sixty here?"
but there was no time to answer between the snatch of the money and the wheels of the other car speeding off.
he did not come back.
and we did not get weed.
he stole our money to buy himself crack.

i would have killed him with my own bare hands if we found him.
and believe me, we tried.
i wasn't sure if i was mad he stole their money.. or that he just made it all worse for me.
as if i didn't hate men enough.
as if i didn't have enough trust issues.
as if i didn't already know i'd never want anyone else but him.

and i seen him today.
not the crackhead.
but him.
not a smile, not a glance.
every head turned but his.

i had been crying for hours and a trainwreck for days.
but i composed myself to be in public for a few hours.
even through the screams and the anthems tonight, his silence was the most deafening.
i was falling apart at the seams.
i had to get out.

as i walked out the door is when he stopped me.
demanding to know why i couldn't even say hello, or give him a hug.
"fine, just keep walking then" he said, in that half joking but intensely serious way of ours.
so i did.