Remind Me Why We Decided This Was For The Best

its not better like this.
it's been weeks.
i am a solid breakdown.
it was cold yesterday, but i walked home without my coat.
i cried the whole way home.
and i mean the whole way.
i reached the path that leads to my house and saw that it was too icy and snow covered to walk up in sneakers so i fell to the pavement and cried until my mother found me.

when i think of the happiness, it burns in my throat.
i think heaven.. you can go back and live in those moments again whenever you want to.
i know where i'd spend eternity..

ironically enough it was the last night we were us.
and now looking back it makes me sick to know in his eyes we were already over when we layed in the backseat of the car with our other two favorite people and we all said we could stay there forever.
i have been living in that moment since then, its the only thing that keeps me going.
to know i felt real happiness for once.
maybe thats why i feel the devistation just as hard everytime i know he would have let me down again, but i can't find it in myself to let go.

it felt like a goodbye kiss, but i couldn't believe it.

a regret is something you would do differently if you could go back.. but i wouldn't change a thing.