Dear John,

long were the nights When my days once revolvEd around you
counting my footsteps praying the floor wont fall through again
my mother accused me of losing my mind
but i swore i was fine

you paint me a blue sky and go back and turn It to rain
and i lived in your chess game but you changed the rules everyday
Wondering which vErsion of you i might get on the phone
tonight
well i stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why

dear john, i see it all now that you'Re gone
dont you think i was too young to be messed with
the girl in the dress cried the wholE way home
i should have known

well maybe its me and my blind optimism to blame
well maybe its you and your Sick need
to give lOve and take it away
youll add my naMe to your long list of traitors who wont understand
and ill look back and regrEt how i ignored when They said
run as fast as you can

you are an expert at sorrys and keeping lines blurry
never impressed by my acing your tests
all tHe girls that youve run dry
have tired lIfeless eyes
cause you burned them out
but i took your matches before fire could catch me
so dont look now
im shiNing like fireworks over your sad empty town

dear john i see it all now it was wrong
dont you think nineteens to younG to be messed with
the girl in the dress wrote you a song
you should have known

Turns Out Freedom Ain't Nothin But Missing You

im learning things about myself
like how hard i try to act the way everyone thinks i need to to make them happy.
but i always only do what i really want.

this time is so different.
i never thought i'd get here.
i didnt even feel myself crying yesterday.
i think he thinks it was because i was lying to him.
to be honnest i dont really know if i was lying or not.
it was the weirdest feeling though, crying so effortlessly.
a little drunk still and tired and deffinately still high though..

but i didn't want him to feel that way because of me.
it wasn't that i think he knew how i really felt...
its that i've felt those feelings so many times.
that feeling has driven me to write all these pages of thoughts.
until recently anyway..
since i've become the same person who hurt me all those times.

the difference is that so didnt want him to leave.
i wanted to fix it.
i couldnt let him pretend it wasnt tearing him apart inside.
thats the difference i think

Her Voice Was Soft And Cool, Her Eyes Were Clear And Bright, But Shes Not There

my life could not be more perfect right now.
thats why i can't seem to make the words come out anymore.
i miss having all these feeling that needed to be sorted through.
not knowing what's going to happen next.
although i think now im too busy actually living my life than wondering what to do about it.
theres a person coming out of me that i didn't know existed.
i still feel like im missing some of it though.
like i should be happier than i am in this one moment of reflection.
a person who adores me tells me and shows me everyday, and i believe him.
he sees megan fox when he looks at me.
he gives me everything i want.
i happily wake up for work every day.
i don't think about leaving early or calling in sick.
its fantastic.
...isnt it?

i couldnt be more greatful... but i could be enjoying it more.
im not sure i know how but im getting there.

And My Heart's Not Breaking, Cause Im Not Feeling Anything At All

i play a new position now.
oddly similar to the one thats been played on me for years.
i cant admit my own feelings to myself.

i dont have to think, i dont have to push
its just happening and im not stopping it.
the only problem is that i cant figure out if im going to want to or not.
this is not my struggle.

I Called You A Fucking Home Wrecker! Do You Even Own Pants?

i am every boy ive ever known.

everything i never understood now makes so much sence.

and i still have no idea what im supposed to do.

if there was nothing, i wouldn't be thinking about it right now.
if it didnt feel right i would have said no.
but the balls in my court for this game.
i know that if i jump in im all in.
and im the only one who can get myself back out.
this is un fucking real.
for all the wrong reasons.

yes, i do own pants.
i was however not wearing them while your boyfriend was sleeping in my bed.

and now im left with this decision.
and all these answers to all my questions that have gone so long un answered.
i am experiencing this evertold love story from the other side.
im the one changing my mind, ignoring phone calls, leading on, not only wreaking homes but burning them to the ground.

i feel like if its what i want ill know, and there will be no questions.

there are not many, but few.
i think i must do the opposite everything that was done wrong to me.
fate's meaning becomes new to me today.
i am at a loss for words, and decisions, but answers today i am full of.

If Ever You Loved Me You'd Say, It's Okay.

im lonley here.
the days pass and blurr together.
its not how i want life to pass me by.

i want to be swept up in the chaos.
not under the rug.

i have some decisions to make.
i know im not leaving much behind here.
except some unfulfilled dreams.
and a pile of mistakes.

i have to tell them im ready to leave.
but im not ready for that.

someday ill figure all this out.
til then ill just wait for someone to find me.

Im The Hero Of The Story I Dont Need To Be Saved

"i just woke up one morning and i just knew."
"you knew what?"
"what i was never sure of with you."

he's moving in with her.
unbelievable.